Subway Peeves

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When I ride the subway I find it hard to take:
People who sit opposite each other and have loud conversation
Men who have swollen balls
People who sit in either side of me and have a loud conversation
In another language
Backpacks
Bikes
People who don’t bathe
People who lean over backwards on the partition.
People who eat on the train

People who sleep on the train

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People who block my view

People who talk loudly on their cell phones (elevated trains only)

People who try and sleep on my shoulder

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People who throw up on the train-

I saw one guy try and throw up into his jacket, but it all came out of the bottom and sprayed all over the train floor.

People who hug the pole

People who put their feet on the seats

People who play their music so loud I can hear the bass thumping (at least I know they’ll go deaf early)

People who draw graffiti all over

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Scrachitti

People who lay down on the seats

People who hold doors

Kids who hang from the roof bars

I like the dancers; I just don’t trust that one of those kids won’t kick me in the face if he makes a mistake.

People with baby strollers, especially the giant tank ones

People with hysterical babies

People with hysterical children

People who are lost and still don’t go the right way after you tell them the right way to go

People who spit on the platform

People who spit on the train

People who cough or sneeze without covering their mouths

People who blow their noses by covering one nostril with their finger

Men who show the cracks of their hairy asses

Kids who show me their underwear

Aggressive panhandlers

Subway singers who sing out of key

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People with hand trucks piled high with stuff

People with big plastic bags filled with soda cans

People who stare at the map above my head for the whole ride

People who are too large to fit in the space besides me but insist on stuffing themselves in

People who take off their shoes

People who cut their fingernails

People who cut their toenails

People who leave their newspapers on the seat

People who leave their newspapers under their seats

People who just throw the newspapers (or any other garbage) on the floor

People who sit sideways to talk to each other and take up two seats each.

Im gonna ask Santa to give me a little tolerance for Christmas this year.

And for some lumps of coal to distribute on the subway…

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The Last Stale Doughnut

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I had to work on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day. I’ve done it before, mind you; when I was the day man I would come in at 7am and watch the marching bands get disgorged in front of the building and prepare their instruments and line up and march off towards CPW. These are some pictures I took the last Thanksgiving I worked, in 2009.

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I would get off at 3 and get home in time to eat the lovely Danusia’s turkey, or go to wherever we’d been invited to that day.

There were tenants in the building that would say: “We’ll bring you down some turkey.” But nobody’s turkey was ever ready before 3, so that never happened in the 7 years I was the day man. But the next day the refrigerator in the shop would have half-eaten plates of turkey, mashed potatoes, congealed gravy and cranberry sauce that the evening guy couldn’t even finish, so I had high expectations on Thursday.

When I was preparing to leave for work that afternoon, I debated whether to take anything at all for dinner, and I figured, let me take at least a sandwich, if I get food, I can always leave it in the fridge for the next day. So I made my refried bean sandwich with jalapeño jack cheese and tomatoes, what I usually take with me. I took no snacks.

In the old days, there were usually ten or more big dinner parties in the building, and one stalwart, a guy from Tennessee, would do a deep-fried turkey in the back yard. Our new super put a stop to that.

Last Thursday there were four dinners, I know because I let the family and friends up. About ten tenants went out to other people’s homes, including one family going upstate where their friend was going to shoot a wild turkey. A few people went to restaurants, one ordered in, and one woman went to McDonald’s for a big Mac.

That only one person ordered in was a first for me on this shift. I usually get 15 to 30 food deliveries on the average Thursday.

A lot of people were away, so I pretty much sat by myself reading, doing the crossword puzzle and playing chess with myself on my iPhone; and waiting to see who was going to bring me some turkey.

Danusia was going to a dinner party that I was also invited to, and she’d baked a couple of her delicious apple and plum pies.

They look like this:

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I declined to bring a piece to work, telling her I’d have a slice when I got home.

As the evening wore on, people would come in and say: “Happy Thanksgiving,” and I got tired of hearing it. I got even more peeved at hearing “Are you having a good Thanksgiving?” I wanted to say, “As good as it can be sitting here in the lobby holding the door open for you,” but I though better of it and just said “wonderful.”

A woman walked in, I used to consider her a nemesis, and she is a super-critical person who always has something negative to say. She was carrying some bags, and as she came into the lobby she reached in and pulled out a paper bag and handed it to me.

“Xavier, I made pecan pie, and this is for you.” I thanked her, and I realized that with time, people and relationships could change. We are actually starting to communicate, especially now that I’ve walked her dog. I appreciated the gesture, and I told her so.

By 9 o’clock I knew there was no turkey coming. I’d already eaten the slice of pecan pie and went down to the shop to get my sandwich, which I devoured without once having to get up and call about a delivery or open the door for someone. An hour later I was still hungry, not having brought any snacks in anticipation of all the goodies I was going to get, so I went down to the shop to see what was in the fridge.

There was a big Dunkin’ Doughnuts box with one doughnut left in it, the cellophane cover ripped open by someone who couldn’t be bothered to open the box for a doughnut. It had been there since the day before. I reached through the hole in the cellophane and took the last doughnut. It was sort of hard and a little stale, but it tasted wonderful.

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When the night man showed up (late) I changed and walked down the block to the subway, feeling more than a little sorry for myself. I saw a bus coming and hopped on, I figured I’d ride over to the east side and take the number 6 down instead of the A train. I looked at the bus driver and said “Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah, happy Thanksgiving.” I guess he felt pretty much the way I felt when people were saying it to me before, and made me realize I wasn’t the only one working and missing out on the holiday.

So, next Thanksgiving, add all of the people that have to work on the holiday to the list of what to be thankful for. Or be thankful that you don’t have to work, or go to MacDonald’s for dinner.

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How To Fold Panties

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I did the laundry yesterday, I do it every Monday; and as I was folding the clothes I was thinking about today’s blogpost. I have a little list about things I want to write about, but then something will happen and I have to write about that instead of going to the list. But I will get to the list in due course.

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I’ve got an idea about Boardwalk Empire’s Dr. Narcisse- loosely based on W.E.B. Dubois down to the beard; one about dueling plumbers dedicated to my good friend Maggie Estep, and others.

But since stuff happens, they will have to wait.

What happened yesterday was I was folding the laundry; and I always do it the same way at the Laundromat down the block with the Colombian woman who runs it watching Spanish TV at full volume- I guess she needs to hear it over the sound of 25 or so washing machines and as many driers.

So in between glances at the TV where the hosts on the Spanish equivalent of the Today Show or GMA sing, shout and dance their way through their guests I hit on an idea, as I separated shirts from socks and sheets and my wife’s panties- How To Fold Panties.

Panties are hard to fold flat on account of the elastic- no matter how hard you try they don’t lay flat.

Same with fitted sheets, especially the ones with elastic around the whole border; and we have a king-sized bed, so it’s doubly a pain in the ass. It was much easier being single. Single sheets, no panties to fold.

Of course, I could always wait for her to do the laundry, but I’d be waiting awhile.

So many memories ran through my head while doing the laundry, helping my mom fold and iron when I was a kid- not only did she do our clothing but she had a contract to do the laundry for our local church- our apartment had ropes I hung from pipes with vestments and albs hanging all over the place- we had a washer but no drier; and I had to help mom do all of this.

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Not my mom.

There are videos about how to fold tee shirts in 2 seconds .

There are even videos about how to make panties into roses.

And there are videos about how to fold fitted sheets, but I already know how to do that.

I have memories of folding my first king sized fitted sheets with my first wife; we had no idea what we were doing and did laundry once a month with baby in tow. A Cuban woman who ran that laundry taught us how to flake out and fold the fitted sheets. I can do it with ease now and actually get it flat enough to fit into the plastic case they come in new.

When it comes to the panties, which I do at the end with the socks, I make a little pile of panties, socks, and boxers and do those last, but the panties bring back memories of my first marriage, when I discovered my then wife was having an affair while I did the laundry.

As I was sorting the whites and colors and putting them into separate machines- something I’d started to do after one too many multi-colored disasters that come from mixing whites with colors and washing them in hot water- I came upon a pair of lime green Victoria’s Secret bikinis, something I had never seen her wear. She only wore cotton granny panties, as Hugh Grant had aptly described them in Brigit Jones’ Diary. But now here were these strange sexy panties with something dried and crusty on them that I knew for a fact did not come from me. I put them in my pocket like that, unwashed to use as evidence in the divorce proceedings, but somehow they never came into play, we got divorced and I threw them out a year or two later when I discovered them in a Ziploc bag as I was moving into my first single guy apartment.

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They looked like this except they were lime green.

That she never asked about them only proved to me that I was right, and that she was right in asking for a divorce; we never communicated anyway.

When she and I first moved in together, we shared a single mattress on the floor. Then we scored another mattress, making sleeping a little more comfortable, and when we got the king-sized bed, we actually had a frame for it, started to grow up a little.

I’m far more grown up now, I don’t have to look at the panties and feel the pang of pain in my gut that I felt back then, I just roll them up into a little ball and put them with the socks at the bottom of the laundry bag.

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Another Friday

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I remember vividly that it was a Friday, because we were in the auditorium of P.S. 270 on Emerson Pl. in Bedford-Stuyvesant watching cartoons and serials the way we did every Friday. I was nine on November 22, 1963. It could have been a Silly Symphony

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or a Sgt. Preston of the Yukon or possibly even a Flash Gordon, but right in the middle the film stopped with that abrupt sound like when you used your fingers to stop a phonograph record. The light went on and an announcement came over the P.A. for the teachers to take us back to our classrooms in an orderly fashion.

We grumbled and complained and squinted our eyes in the sudden brightness, but we lined up and followed our teacher back to our classroom. Some teachers were running through the hallways crying or had red eyes and looked scared, I wondered if the nuclear war had come.

The year before we thought there would be a nuclear war when my first grade teacher suddenly had to leave to go to Florida with her husband who was in the Army. We were going to fight a place called Cuba, and maybe the Russians. We’d been warned about the Russians. Maybe it was happening all over again, and maybe all the teachers had to go this time and that’s why they were all sad and crying.

We got to our classroom and sat down as instructed.

“The principal is going to make an announcement.” Was all our teacher would tell us as she wiped at her eyes. We were scared and confused. It was late afternoon, almost dismissal time.

The principal started speaking over the P.A., I don’t remember his exact words but I do remember that he said the President had been shot and killed in a place called Dallas at 2 P.M.

As were heard his words our teacher broke into uncontrollable sobs, and we collectively started crying.

I cried because she was crying, at the age of 9 I don’t even think I knew who the president was or what he looked like, but emotion can be contagious when you are young. Shortly after we were told to put on our coats and line up for an early dismissal. We were led out into the schoolyard to wait for our parents to come for us, and to our amazement, most parents were already waiting outside.

My mother was crying, she loved President Kennedy, but when my dad came home from work, all he said was “He was a politician, and politicians get assassinated all of the time.” He did not cry. I guess if you grow up in Mexico you get used to political killings.

This past week there were all kinds of TV shows commemorating the event, shows about Kennedy, shows about Oswald. There have been a slew of newspaper and magazine articles as well, and I’ve read a lot of them.

I don’t know why my fascination with this event is so strong, perhaps because it was the beginning of the end of my childhood innocence, or because it was my first collective experience as an American, but it is there, and I was immersed in it for the past week.

I never bought into the conspiracy theories, in my experience most of the people I’ve known (and know) who ascribe to conspiracies are people desperate to blame all others for their own shortcomings. I read the Jim Garrison book at some point, and a bunch of other stuff, the fictional Winter Kills, and books and movies I can’t even remember. I can’t remember because it just isn’t convincing. What they all suppose is that life and what happens in it is all neatly scripted and orchestrated by some all-knowing omniscient evil being bent on destroying us all. But in my 59 years I’ve found life is anything but that. Life is not neatly wrapped up in a bow, life is sloppy, random, and unpredictable, and sometimes unexplainable.

Oswald killed Kennedy because he was a small man filled with hatred and desperate to prove to himself that he somehow mattered in the world. In the end it seems very banal, but that’s what most of life is, banal.

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There was a book by a woman named Hannah Arendt called Eichmann In Jerusalem: A report on the Banality of Evil, I’ve never read it, but I understand what she meant. Remarkably, it was written in 1963. It’s like in Occam’s razor- the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, and it really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?

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The Deadline Club

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I read an article in Sunday’s Daily news about Jimmy Breslin getting inducted into The Deadline Club, something they do for journalists. It was written by Denis Hamill, son of Peter, another famed and celebrated journalist, another member of the cigar and whiskey school of journalism Jimmy Breslin is famous for. The article mentioned that when Jimmy was young, he was sent to D.C. to cover the JFK funeral, and he ended up interviewing the guy who dug the grave, but wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral because he was black. He still felt honored. That was what is brilliant about Breslin’s writing, the common touch.

I went out with a girl many years ago, in the early 1980’s. She was a rich girl who’d grown up in Washington, D.C. One of the first things she’d shown me when I went to her apartment was an un cashed check for $5 from the son of a famous politician, who in turn was a member of a famous political dynasty. The memo said “for trips,” it was for a tab of acid. Being rich doesn’t put one past name-dropping, I guess.

She had a sister named Sian, pronounced SHARN, as in darn.

Often the three of us would sit in her kitchen and drink coffee or beer and chat. They always inevitably ask one another if they’d read J.B.’s column that day. One day I got tired of being out of the loop, rich people like to remind you that you are not one of them, even when they are screwing you; so I asked, “Who’s J.B.?”

J.B. is Jimmy Breslin, we know his daughter, and we know him.

Oh.

I knew of him, I read his newspaper columns and I’d even read his book, The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight. I remembered his articles about the Son Of Sam case. David Berkowitz had written directly to Breslin before he was captured. I read every article he wrote during that case, and I loved his writing. It was straightforward, simple, and accessible. He spoke a language I understood, the language of the common man.

I loved his gangster book, I thought it was the funniest thing since The Three Stooges, with his depictions of the big fat gangster who has to eat his pasta naked because he’s such a gavone, and Beppo the dwarf, and the guy who was planting a bomb but blew up in the middle of the street beforehand because of some cop’s random radio transmission.

I wanted to meet J.B., since I did a bit of writing myself and thought he might help me. But that wasn’t to be. I did meet Rosemary, though, my girlfriend and her sister Darn Sian introduced us.

Rosemary once told me a story, she’d written an article for Life Magazine when she was very young, about two girls who’d gone to the Lower East Side and had gotten robbed by Latino drug-addict thugs, it was sort of a cautionary tale. I’d seen it; my girlfriend had shown it to me. She was a great collector of tangential fame memorabilia.

“That was me; the girl in the article.”

I already knew that, but I nodded in surprise. To her it was a little joke, a joke on her and a joke on the establishment, as it were.

I broke up with the rich girl, and lost touch with Rosemary.

Ten years later or so, I was working in a shoe store on East 55th Street. I was selling fashionable shoes for problem feet, as my boss liked to put it. I also did repairs and made orthotics.

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Ronnie Eldridge

One of my regular customers was a woman named Ronnie Eldridge, and it turned out that Ronnie was not only an influential city council member, but she was also married to Jimmy Breslin! I blurted out to her that I knew Rosemary, and that I’d gone out with Darn Sian’s sister. Ronnie still talked to them, and there were third party hellos all around.

One day she came in with Jimmy, she dragged him down to get him to buy some decent shoes.

“Xavier is the best shoe salesman in the business, Jimmy,” Ronnie said by way of introduction.

Here was my moment; I had the man himself in front of me. I took off his shoes, I measured his feet, and I asked what he was looking for.

“A pair of shoes, kid. Black lace-ups.”

I got him a pair of black Allen Edmonds oxfords similar to the shoes he was wearing and slipped them on.

“Xavier, how much do these shoes cost?” He asked.

“Ah, these are $125, Mr. Breslin.” Ronnie had already instructed me not to tell him how much the orthotics I was making him cost, but said nothing about the cost of the shoes. She was, after all, paying for everything, it was a gift.

“Do you know what I pay for shoes, Xavier?”

“No sir.”

“ $25. A pair of shoes shouldn’t cost more than $25.” I didn’t want to say that the only shoes that cost $25 in 1992 were probably made of vinyl, so what I said instead was:

“Well sir, these are Allen Edmonds shoes, finely crafted right here in the U.S.” I think he probably knew a little about shoes, he’d written a funny bit in The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight about gangsters not wanting to get their shoes dirty. Maybe he was just pulling my leg.

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Allen Edmonds Black Oxfords

“The only reason I’m getting these shoes is because my wife is paying, Xavier.”

I fitted him, I took the impressions to make the orthotics with, and a week later I called him up to say everything was ready. Surprisingly, he answered the phone himself, and we had another extended conversation about the price of shoes.

A few days later, one of my co-workers, Jerry, who lived in Queens, came in brandishing a copy of New York Newsday.

“Take a look at this.” He said, handing me the paper. It was open to Breslin’s column, and I read it. It was all about buying the shoes, and the best shoe salesman in the business, Xavier. He recounted our phone conversation, our store interaction. He didn’t mention his wife had paid for the shoes.

There I was, one of Breslin’s common people, on the pages of New York Newsday. I wanted to call him up and tell him I was a writer too, and maybe he could help me. I never did that, because at that time I lived in a different world, a world of little hope for change and despair, and writing was something I did only in my dreams.

In 2004 Rosemary died, and I was shocked; she was only a couple of years younger than me. By that time, my life had changed, I was divorced; I no longer sold shoes, I was finally growing up a bit.

But I was still a little desperate; and as part of that desperation I got dressed up and attended the funeral at St. Francis Of Assisi church on West 31st.

Again, it was purely for self-centered reasons, I was probably hoping to run into my ex-girlfriend or maybe Darn Sian, there was no way I was going to talk to Jimmy or even Ronnie. There were a lot of people there, Dinkins, a raft of the political and powerful elite of old school New York. I left right after the service and thought of my own mortality and how lucky I was to have survived an uncommon lifestyle.

Reading Denis Hamill’s article brought all of these memories back, and it also brought back something I’ve learned, that I write. All ways have, always will. Now more than ever, since I’ve grown up a bit and can focus.

I am not as lucky as Rosemary or Denis to have a famous writer for a father to help my writing career along, but I am lucky enough to know how to make a deadline. Just ask my writing teacher, Charles Salzberg.

 

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Tomato Season

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As you all know, or maybe you don’t know, if you are young or not into tomatoes, tomato season is over.

When I was a kid, my mom always made salads, and insisted we eat the salad. Her salads were very simple; iceberg lettuce, avocado, and tomatoes. With mayonnaise on top. The mayonnaise was the only reason I think we ate the salads.

Of course I liked the taste of the tomatoes and the avocado, but that iceberg lettuce was something I could live without; but to my mom it was greens, and she had a hard time getting us to eat anything green. See, my mom had been a nurse in Mexico, and she was real health conscious, and knew that we needed greens. I resisted, doing my best not to eat the spinach, lettuce, or asparagus my mom would try to get us to eat.

When I was 6, I faked a stomachache one day to get out of going to school. I ended up in Cumberland hospital for the night deprived of food, to see if it was something I ate or appendicitis. When I finally was given something to eat the next day, at noon, the side was the hated asparagus. That was the day I learned to like asparagus.

But wait, I’m veering off from the red into the green!

Back to tomatoes.

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Danusia’s plastic tomatoes.

I’ve written two blogposts about tomatoes, one about real tomatoes and one about the lovely Danusia’s plastic tomatoes, the ones she used in her one-woman show. When I posted the first one, about the real tomatoes, my writing teacher Charles Salzberg (Salzberg like the city) didn’t read it because he thought I was plugging Danusia’s show again. Maybe he’ll read this one since I’m plugging his name. He’s in Australia plugging his new book, Devil In The Hole.

Danusia’s dad grew tomatoes at one point, ergo her show about tomatoes. The woman that introduced me to Danusia, beautiful Beth Young, may she rest in peace, was the first person who made me realize that there was a tomato season and that’s why they tasted so horrible for 8 months of the year, almost as bad as that iceberg lettuce.

See, I’d been used to seeing tomatoes in the supermarket all year round, not knowing that tomatoes were grown in heated greenhouses in winter, and that in order to increase profitability and hardiness, farmers had developed what are known as “pinkies”, hard, pink tomatoes with hard white stems that run almost the length of the tomato; and this is what I usually got in the winter.

“I don’t eat tomatoes out of season.” Beth had proclaimed. But I stubbornly did, and I went from store to store looking for the perfect tomato every winter, thinking that color should be my guide; and time and time again being disappointed. Then last spring I discovered the Tastee-Lee tomatoes, grown in Florida. About the best off-season tomatoes you can find.

Not quite as good as the fresh Long Island tomatoes we had in Mattituck this summer, or the tomatoes we got from the Amish at our local greenmarket till the last week of October, but pretty good. Better than the trashy hothouse tomatoes I got at whole foods the other day for $3.50 a pound, hard on the outside, empty on the inside like a water filled pepper with a stem as hard as a twig. It tasted like a twig as well.

This is what it looked like inside:

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Stay away from these, unless you like the taste of twigs. The leaves wouldn’t even come off the top, a sure sign they were picked green and will never ripen.

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The little grape tomatoes are usually OK during the winter, and I use these for salads.

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Grape tomatoes.

But I need the bigger tomatoes for the sandwiches I take to work, thus my constant search for the perfect tomato.

See, I’ve only been able to find the Tastee-Lee tomatoes at two places in the city; The Gourmet Garage carries them, and so does Eataly on 23rd Street. Both a little out of my way; but if I want that tomato, I’m going to have to make the effort.

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Smile

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Part of my job as a doorman is to observe the goings on in the building that show up on my multi-screen monitor. This is what I get paid for, but at times it feels a little creepy watching people do things they think they can do because they don’t think anyone is watching, or maybe they just don’t care.

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The most interesting stuff happens on the elevator camera, of course.

Some people are completely aware, like the teenagers and kids who make faces at me, they know I am looking. One time a teenaged girl in the building got on with a friend of hers, and pointed to the camera. That prompted her friend to look up at the camera and pull her top down to expose her breasts. I think I actually jumped back an inch in surprise. She was grinning up at me as she pushed her breasts up a notch.

I once saw a guy, one of the tenants, grab his teenaged son by the throat with both hands and forcibly push him off the elevator up on their floor. I wonder what the kid said that prompted such an extreme reaction. The guy was some kind of Israeli diplomat, it was rumored he was a Mossad agent, so I felt for the kid. In reference to the said kid, another tenant, a therapist; said; “Who’s that kid? He looks depressed.”

On a lighter note, I’ve made a lot of interesting observations looking at that elevator monitor.

There is a big mirror on the elevator, ostensibly so you can check your appearance before venturing out into the world.

Men who are alone always carefully examine their hairlines, checking to see how much is left. A lot of them also look at their teeth; there was one guy who looked at his teeth for three trips up and down once. Every time he went up and the door opened and closed, he still wasn’t done with his dental examination; I’d call the elevator back down to one, and he’d press his floor and do it all over again. I’ll never know what was so interesting about his teeth.

Women play with their hair a lot. One girl spent the whole ride up to the 17th floor running her fingers through her hair before as a parting gesture, looked over her shoulder to look at her ass just before getting off.

This is what women alone do mostly, is look at their asses. They look over their shoulders and pose, shifting from one foot to the other to see their better side.

I’ve seen both men and women pull their shirts up to look at their stomachs, not always a pleasant sight.

I’ve seen people making out, pretty common, once I saw a kid try to plant a kiss on a girl and get pushed away by a hand to the face. I haven’t seen any smacks yet.

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I’ve seen women hike up their skirts and adjust their pantyhose (not a lot to see from a camera on the roof of the elevator) and I saw a man’s pants just fall down once. He caught them at mid thigh.

Some people dance on the elevator.

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Some people sing, I can tell they are singing because of the way they move their heads and bodies as their mouths move.

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Yes, some people talk to the mirror. My first super, a real petit tyrant of a man would gesticulate wildly as he talked to himself on the elevator, but at least he didn’t look into the mirror or up at the camera while doing so. Sometimes I thought he might break apart before he got to the floor he was going to.

I’ve seen dogs piss on the floor, and even a couple of humans do it as well.

Which brings me to the wasted people.

One night a guy came in really, really, wasted, he had a big bag of hockey sticks slung diagonally across his back. When the elevator door opened, he lurched on, only to have the sticks catch on the doorframe and fling him off the elevator into the wall opposite. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, considering he did it once more before he figured out he had to turn sideways to get on with the sticks across his back.

I had to help one guy onto the elevator one New Year’s eve, it was actually New Year’s day by that time, and the next day he asked if I’d seen him come in.

“Did you see me come in last night?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Was I wasted?”

“Yes, you were.”

I always tell it like it is.

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I Voted!

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When I was a senior in high school, at the incomparable Brooklyn Tech, our senior class President Mitch Palin was registering kids to vote for the next presidential election. This was going to be the 1972 election, and the liberal favorite George McGovern was running against the reactionary boogieman Richard Nixon.

“Are you a registered voter?” Mitch asked me one day.

“I’m not a citizen. I was born in Mexico.”

“When did you come to the country?”

“When I was 2.”

“Are your parents citizens?”

“My dad is.”

“Oh, then you’re a citizen too!”

And that’s how I ended up voting for George McGovern in 1972. And even though Mitch Palin was technically correct, the derivative citizenship isn’t automatic, it has to be claimed; there is paperwork to be filled out.

That same year I registered for the draft, a couple of months late, again owing to my confusion as to my citizenship status. I found out if you are a permanent resident you can be drafted. I wrote a letter of apology to the U.S. Government.

I didn’t vote much after that, and when I enlisted in the army at the age of 25 a few years later I filled out the paperwork for citizenship, but forgot to file it. It would have been only $25 in 1979 for me as a service member.

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Cut to 2007, 28 years later. After 3 or 4 voir dires, and one election, (I voted for Mark Green in 2000) I was actually applying for citizenship the proper way. When you register to vote you are also registering to serve on juries, therefore the voir dires. No matter how often I moved, those jury summonses kept coming. And by this time I was paralyzed with fear. What if they found out I’d voted for McGovern and wasn’t properly documented? If I’d gone to Vietnam and gotten my ass shot off, would I have been awarded posthumous citizenship? Does it really matter? I live here, I consider myself an American, I’ve paid taxes and social security since I was 14; shouldn’t I have a say so in our government?

 

But there’s the rub, our government, the great red tape dispenser. Fill out forms A, B, C, etc. ad nausea and enclose a check for $600. A far cry from 1979, eh?

In the fall of 2008 I was granted a citizenship interview. I was hoping to become a citizen before the election, so I could vote for Obama. But it wasn’t to be; the swearing in was to be after the election.

I briefly considered voting anyway, I was after all registered, but I didn’t think that would be kosher considering all the trouble I was going through to make it right.

During the interview I was worried about a couple of past indiscretions on my record, when I was young and reckless, but the interviewer brushed them off by saying: “That was a long time ago.” I passed muster, I was finally going to be legal, and my swearing in would be January 17, 2009.

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The day I was sworn in. T-Shirt courtesy of Vicki Perlman ( Sometimes Alspector)

Of course the first election I voted in was the 2012 presidential election, I was one of the many who put Barrack Obama over the top. There was some confusion as to my address at the polling place, but I did the affidavit thing.

So last week I went to the same polling place, the public school on Cook Street, and voted for Bill DeBlasio. Not really my ideal choice, but the Democratic candidate.

I went to vote with my dad once, when I was a kid, and he took me into the voting booth with him. It was the old fashioned voting machine with the handle on the side and little levers next to the candidate’s names. My dad picked all of the names that said “Democratic Party” next to them and flipped the levers to yes. Then he pulled the handle.

“See son, Democrats. We’re Democrats. Always vote Democratic party.”

Too bad he didn’t fill out the paperwork for my derivative citizenship. Now that would have been zeal.  

 

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The Name Game

 

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When I was a kid there was a guy in the neighborhood, and older guy named Eddie who everybody called “Crazy Eddie.” Eddie was probably in his 20’s, we were kids, 15 or 16, and he would come over to us while we were playing basketball and revel us with stories of being an adult chasing girls.

                                                     ImageThe other Crazy Eddie

He was a tall blond haired half-Puerto Rican guy who wore tight cheap sharkskin suits and skinny ties, and always carried a large transistor radio with him, blasting WABC radio. He liked to call himself “The Horse Of South Brooklyn”, on account of his liberal use of horse. But we always called him Crazy Eddie when he wasn’t around.

The regular UPS guy I see at work always greets me as “Professor X”, and I don’t know if he’s being a wise ass or he’s just a fan of the X-men, but I don’t say anything. But totally unrelated, I was called the same thing in junior high school, we were all reading the fledgling X-Men comics from Marvel at the time, but I also sold my homework to other kids for a quarter.

Most of my friends in high school settled for just plain X, or sometimes Zave, both OK with me. I had a close friend in High school who called himself Trickout, and I guess it was apropos. He looked like a Trickout with his Jewish Afro.

Also in high school I had a girlfriend named Anna, who everybody called Anna Banana, also apropos because she was crazy. She in turn had a friend named Helen, a half-Irish half Italian girl who had a dad called Chicky Doyle and a really overweight younger sister she called “Sneak-2-Peep”, because she snuck food at night and was as big as two people. That was a good one; I’ll never forget that. I don’t even remember her real name.

When I was in college, I hung out with a bunch of guys that had a band. The singer’s name was Tony, a guy from Barbados who called himself the “Black Mick Jagger.” We just called him Tony Baloney. The guitar player called himself J.P., those were his initials but he was also a great admirer of J.P. Morgan and a better capitalist than he was a guitar player, so I guess that’s apropos. I think he’s selling swamps in Florida now.

The drummer was a guy who liked to call himself Mike Lash. He talked about giving girls he had sex with a “lashing.”

There was also a roadie we called “Coney Island Joe” and a guy we played poker with that was known as “Taxi Dave” because he drove a cab.

In the 90’s I spent some time on the streets of Bushwick, and I never told anyone my name, but because I was overweight all the Latino kids I dealt with called me “Gordo,” which is simply fat in Spanish.

Latinos have a propensity for using a physical attribute to describe people, and these stick as nicknames. Besides gordo there is flaco, skinny in case you don’t know. Latinos also use color liberally, a black person is always “El Negro”, a less dark person is “trigeño”, a pale person is “blanco” or “guero”. A person with light hair is referred to as “cano”, which literally means white-haired, but usually refers to blonds.

My parents referred to each other as Viejo and Vieja, which literally means old. That’s what I used to call my dad when he was in the nursing home, until Danusia asked why I didn’t call him Papa.

“Calling him Viejo is derogatory.” She’d said. So he became Papa again until he died.

People use nicknames sometimes because a name is too hard to say, so some people just refer to Danusia as “Dee”, or “Danush.” Her real name is Danuta, and Danusia is a diminutive. She was a nanny to a young boy for a while, and he called her “Manusha.’

A guy I know who knows her once called her “Minutiae.” I didn’t think he was funny. I didn’t think Gordo was funny either, but I wasn’t going to tell those guys my real name.

                       ImageMy Sexy Exy days

My favorite was what a girlfriend that I had in my 20’s used to call me, Sexy Exy. But my Sexy Exy days are over and I’ll settle for just plain X or Exy, as my friend Jenny Moradfar Meyer likes to call me. I call her Jenny MM but that hasn’t stuck. Some nicknames just don’t go anywhere.

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The $125 Tie From Barneys

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The recent headlines about racial profiling at Barneys and Macy’s made me think about my own experience with Barneys, I’ve never had any problem with Macy’s, I don’t even go there anymore except when I need new socks or white T-shirts for work. There is nothing style-wise in Macy’s that I would even think of buying.

Six years ago, when I was the daytime doorman, I had to deliver the mail to the tenant’s front doors, and I did this every afternoon Monday through Friday. As I delivered the mail, using the freight elevator to do so, I had the opportunity to look into the paper recycle bins. I did this so that I could recover the thrown away Arts section of the times, and once a week, the magazine; I would get the crossword puzzles for free.

I also encountered other magazines, People, New York, New Yorker, etc.

I only took Vanity Fair if it had someone I liked on the cover, but always G.Q. and W. I like style.

One day in G.Q. I saw a really sharp tie, it was grey with silver stripes, and it looked like this:

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It was made by Band Of Outsiders, some ultra hip fashion house- and it was really fly. I took one look and I thought, “I gotta have this tie.”

I read the specs, wool and silk, available at Barneys NY for $125.

I’d never been in Barneys, it was a place I knew I couldn’t afford, but it was close to Christmas, and I knew I was going to be getting a lot of tips, and hell, I should treat myself, shouldn’t I? After all, I deserve it.

At that time the Mayor was doing these no tax on clothing under $110 days, as an incentive. Not being great at math, I figured I would get the tie on the no-tax day. But I had to go and look at and feel the beauty of this tie, so I went the day before the no-tax day for a preview.

I entered the store, suitably intimidating for a kid from the projects, but also intoxicating.

I found my way to the men’s accessories, and among the Jill Sanders and Ermenegildo Zengas, there it was, the rep stripe tie from Band Of Outsiders.

It was a beautiful tie, the silk-wool blend felt absolutely creamy in my fingers. Satisfied, I took the escalator down. Tomorrow was the day.

On the next floor, there were rows and rows of suits. On a whim, I decided to have a look, to run my fingers through the silks and wools of Giorgio Armani and Brioni. I knew I couldn’t afford it, but looking is free.

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I was nonchalantly feeling up suits when a very beautiful tall blond woman in heels and a tight black dress approached me.

“Can I help you find something, sir?”

“Oh, no, thank you. I’m just looking. Actually I’m coming back tomorrow, on no tax day.”

“Well, sir, that’s no tax on items under $110, certainly nothing on my floor…”

I don’t remember if I actually turned red or if it just felt like I did, but the woman’s words really stung. It made me realize why I’d never set foot in Barneys before.

I went back upstairs, got the tie and took it to the register. I had been so infatuated with the idea of getting it that I’d forgotten that at $125 it didn’t qualify for the tax abatement.

After Christmas, and a very good Christmas it was that year, I took the lovely Danusia to Barneys for the after Christmas sale. She wanted a hat.

We looked around, and she tried on a bunch of hats that were on sale, and didn’t like any of them. Then she came across a wool knit hat she liked. It was stripped and fuzzy and big like a Rasta hat. It wasn’t on sale and it was $150. Feeling generous I bought it for her. She told me later that she’d kept the tag on for a week, feeling guilty that it cost so much.

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The lovely Danusia channels Lou Reed

I love the hat on her, and I love the tie on me, so for me it was money well spent. And maybe one day I’ll be able to walk in and buy one of those $4,000 Brioni suits, and when I do I’m going to look for the snooty woman who made me feel small that day. I hope she still works there.

 

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