When I ride the subway I find it hard to take:
People who sit opposite each other and have loud conversation
Men who have swollen balls
People who sit in either side of me and have a loud conversation
In another language
Backpacks
Bikes
People who don’t bathe
People who lean over backwards on the partition.
People who eat on the train

People who sleep on the train

People who block my view

People who talk loudly on their cell phones (elevated trains only)

People who try and sleep on my shoulder

People who throw up on the train-

I saw one guy try and throw up into his jacket, but it all came out of the bottom and sprayed all over the train floor.

People who hug the pole

People who put their feet on the seats

People who play their music so loud I can hear the bass thumping (at least I know they’ll go deaf early)

People who draw graffiti all over

Scrachitti

People who lay down on the seats

People who hold doors

Kids who hang from the roof bars

I like the dancers; I just don’t trust that one of those kids won’t kick me in the face if he makes a mistake.

People with baby strollers, especially the giant tank ones

People with hysterical babies

People with hysterical children

People who are lost and still don’t go the right way after you tell them the right way to go

People who spit on the platform

People who spit on the train

People who cough or sneeze without covering their mouths

People who blow their noses by covering one nostril with their finger

Men who show the cracks of their hairy asses

Kids who show me their underwear

Aggressive panhandlers

Subway singers who sing out of key

People with hand trucks piled high with stuff

People with big plastic bags filled with soda cans

People who stare at the map above my head for the whole ride

People who are too large to fit in the space besides me but insist on stuffing themselves in

People who take off their shoes

People who cut their fingernails

People who cut their toenails

People who leave their newspapers on the seat

People who leave their newspapers under their seats

People who just throw the newspapers (or any other garbage) on the floor

People who sit sideways to talk to each other and take up two seats each.

Im gonna ask Santa to give me a little tolerance for Christmas this year.

And for some lumps of coal to distribute on the subway…